To party or not to party, that is the question. I was approached about having a baby shower in August, but when I was approached I didn't know what to say. First, we were not having a baby so a baby shower just didn't feel right. Second, we had already gotten, what I felt at the time, a lot of items. Third, and here's the big one, I didn't not feel worthy of a shower of any kind. See, because I was not pregnat and we were not approved for Foster care yet I didn't know how to feel about this topic. During the next three months, I started to realize how much I didn't have. Is there a difference? I may not be pregnant, but everything on my list was as if I was having a baby. I was torn...I am still torn. I sit with tears running down my face struggling with this very touchy topic. My heart hurts and wish this was easy, but nothing ever has been.
So that brings me back to the question of the day....to party or not to party. When we got that final "yes you are foster parents" I was so excited!!! It was just like seeing that stick you peed on have two lines, or a plus sign!!! We were going to be parents! So to party, well of course I said YES! So why is it still so hard, why is my heart still struggling with this question that seems so easy (for once) to just say yes? I still feel so unworthy of a shower and how do you approach a baby shower when you are not carrying a baby?
The solution, you say, well I have had a lot of thought on this and I kept coming back to what a family is. There are so many different types of families ranging from traditional families, step families, adoptive family, and foster families. Yes they are all different, each unique in their own way, but they are all families! So we are not having a baby shower, but a family celebration. A time to just celebrate what a family is, the uniqueness of how a family comes together, the love a family shares. So yes I say party, but it has not been easy and yes I still struggle with my internal thoughts of being unworthy, but tonight ......... I party!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
God's Perfect Plan
I have claimed, since a child, that I was going to adopt. One year, during our family Christmas vacation, my bother-in-law striked up a conversation with me while we were walking down a street in New Orleans. I remember it like it was yesterday. He had just married my sister and we were talking about having kids. I was 16 at the time, and he asked me how many children I wanted. I told him that I wanted 20 kids and I was going to have them by the time I was 30, I know I know, it is impossible, but I knew what I wanted. He bet me 100 dollars that it would not happen, but don't remind him or I'll have to pay him. Ha!
The story of me and children does not stop there. I would repeatedly tell my mother when I was a child that I was going to adopt. I have had the passion for adoption and fostering from an early age. My sister sent a book my way that changed my life. It was called From Ashes to Africa. In this book, the author talked about a childhood memory of playing basketball, going inside to get a drink, and proclaiming to his mom that he was going to have a black baby. As an adult, him and his wife struggled to have children and indeed up adopting from Africa. He talks about how children some how have a glimpse into their future. I sat and cried like a baby because my childhood comments of having lots of children where on there was to becoming a reality. Something else I would like to share from that book is it talked about knowing if you are following God plan for you and it said "if you can't talk about it without choking up, you know you are doing what you are suppose to be doing. You have found your passion in life." I can not talk about fostering or adoption with out taking a deep breath or a knot in my throat, and often there are many tears. I thank God that my heart breaks for what breaks his and that I have found the strength and heard his calling to foster and adopt.
Now our story continues from here with Matt, see he wants kids but never knew that it would not come from his wife. He has a huge heart and cares deeply for others. God gave him a heart to love others and that same heart will love a child as his own. While I knew that I wanted to foster and adopt through the state, Matt was not sold just yet. God still had some work to do in him. That all changed in January 2010. One morning at church, our pastor had a sermon on taking care of the fatherless, but not only JUST the fatherless, but the fatherless in ARKANSAS!!! We both cried during church that day and the second we walked out those doors, Matt looked at me and said "can we have 2?" Our life has not been the same since. Our calling was revealed to us in a loud way! We could not doubt what was being done and the emotions we were having but that God had huge plans for us.
In May, we began the paperwork....TONS of paperwork! We have been working on our home, moving rooms around, painting, getting our house up to DHS code, and attending our training. We only had one main worry.....our past. We are not so innocent, we both have a past, a past with arrest, drugs, and tickets. we waited, and waited, and waited for our background checks knowing that something is going to come back and stop us on this journey. I trusted in God that he had these plans for us, but on the other hand knew that I was a sinner that made horrible chooses. After 8 months, we got the word.....NOTHING on my record, BUT one thing one Matt's. After a simple essay, we were cleared.
Today was our final walk through with DHS. On my way home to meet them, I thought about my past, Matt's past, and how overwhelming it has been. Then I began to think about how in GOD's eyes we were perfect, no matter what our past looked like. God showed us his mercy knowing that he had made us to do his good work to care for his children. God's love is all over this and his timing is perfect! It just simply amazes me that God looked down through time and choose ME, a sinner with a past not so pretty, to do such an important job. He choose US and gave US mercy! So making a long story short I am so proud to say that as of today, February 15, 2011 we are officially Foster parents!!!!!! PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!!
The story of me and children does not stop there. I would repeatedly tell my mother when I was a child that I was going to adopt. I have had the passion for adoption and fostering from an early age. My sister sent a book my way that changed my life. It was called From Ashes to Africa. In this book, the author talked about a childhood memory of playing basketball, going inside to get a drink, and proclaiming to his mom that he was going to have a black baby. As an adult, him and his wife struggled to have children and indeed up adopting from Africa. He talks about how children some how have a glimpse into their future. I sat and cried like a baby because my childhood comments of having lots of children where on there was to becoming a reality. Something else I would like to share from that book is it talked about knowing if you are following God plan for you and it said "if you can't talk about it without choking up, you know you are doing what you are suppose to be doing. You have found your passion in life." I can not talk about fostering or adoption with out taking a deep breath or a knot in my throat, and often there are many tears. I thank God that my heart breaks for what breaks his and that I have found the strength and heard his calling to foster and adopt.
Now our story continues from here with Matt, see he wants kids but never knew that it would not come from his wife. He has a huge heart and cares deeply for others. God gave him a heart to love others and that same heart will love a child as his own. While I knew that I wanted to foster and adopt through the state, Matt was not sold just yet. God still had some work to do in him. That all changed in January 2010. One morning at church, our pastor had a sermon on taking care of the fatherless, but not only JUST the fatherless, but the fatherless in ARKANSAS!!! We both cried during church that day and the second we walked out those doors, Matt looked at me and said "can we have 2?" Our life has not been the same since. Our calling was revealed to us in a loud way! We could not doubt what was being done and the emotions we were having but that God had huge plans for us.
In May, we began the paperwork....TONS of paperwork! We have been working on our home, moving rooms around, painting, getting our house up to DHS code, and attending our training. We only had one main worry.....our past. We are not so innocent, we both have a past, a past with arrest, drugs, and tickets. we waited, and waited, and waited for our background checks knowing that something is going to come back and stop us on this journey. I trusted in God that he had these plans for us, but on the other hand knew that I was a sinner that made horrible chooses. After 8 months, we got the word.....NOTHING on my record, BUT one thing one Matt's. After a simple essay, we were cleared.
Today was our final walk through with DHS. On my way home to meet them, I thought about my past, Matt's past, and how overwhelming it has been. Then I began to think about how in GOD's eyes we were perfect, no matter what our past looked like. God showed us his mercy knowing that he had made us to do his good work to care for his children. God's love is all over this and his timing is perfect! It just simply amazes me that God looked down through time and choose ME, a sinner with a past not so pretty, to do such an important job. He choose US and gave US mercy! So making a long story short I am so proud to say that as of today, February 15, 2011 we are officially Foster parents!!!!!! PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!!
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