The truth is....I hate being lied to! I have learned not to trust anyone that calls me about taking in a child, and that's sad! We have been foster parents for 15 days and I have been lied to more times than I have fingers! I don't treat people that way so why to they feel the need to treat me that way? We are in this to help, but it's hard to want to help when you are lied to EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!! Sad!
The truth is....It is as hard as they taught us! These kids are bounced around with no stability! They are MAD, they THROW FITS, they SCREAM, they FIGHT, they are kids that need LOVE! I know that people want to say "they are just kids" or "welcome to parenthood" but it's not like having a child and teaching them right from wrong from day one. It's not like having your child know you are mommy and daddy and that they are loved and wanted and they aren't going to be taken to a new home so what's the point in being good? These kids come to us needing to be taught everything all at once and that takes time! It's different, it's our life now, it's a learning process and we are trying.
The truth is....I love watching Teen Mom....oh wait, sorry, that's way off topic and my dirty little secert! Ha!
The truth is....I still struggle with the upcoming shower. I understand that everyone has questions, and I get that our situation is not "normal" but the truth is I will need a lot of things that I would have if it was my own child. Remember...we are going from no kids to having 2 kids and maybe more and we have nothing for kids. Also, my kids are behind from being bounced around so I may have a 3 year old in my home, but developmentally he's 2 (and younger in some areas).
The truth is....I spent Monday night crying my eyes out!!! not being able to reach anyone at DHS to help me, the multiple times of being lied to, the many outburst from the kids, the bombardment of question about the shower, I just BROKE!!!!!! I wept because I so desperately just want to have a baby the "normal" way and have a shower that everyone understands. I want so bad to know these kids and understand what they are saying, but the truth is they are strangers to me and I don't know there sounds, speech, personalities.
The truth is....my heart melted this morning when I woke up to the littlest one waking me up, talking over the monitor, saying.......mommy.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
To Party or Not To Party
To party or not to party, that is the question. I was approached about having a baby shower in August, but when I was approached I didn't know what to say. First, we were not having a baby so a baby shower just didn't feel right. Second, we had already gotten, what I felt at the time, a lot of items. Third, and here's the big one, I didn't not feel worthy of a shower of any kind. See, because I was not pregnat and we were not approved for Foster care yet I didn't know how to feel about this topic. During the next three months, I started to realize how much I didn't have. Is there a difference? I may not be pregnant, but everything on my list was as if I was having a baby. I was torn...I am still torn. I sit with tears running down my face struggling with this very touchy topic. My heart hurts and wish this was easy, but nothing ever has been.
So that brings me back to the question of the day....to party or not to party. When we got that final "yes you are foster parents" I was so excited!!! It was just like seeing that stick you peed on have two lines, or a plus sign!!! We were going to be parents! So to party, well of course I said YES! So why is it still so hard, why is my heart still struggling with this question that seems so easy (for once) to just say yes? I still feel so unworthy of a shower and how do you approach a baby shower when you are not carrying a baby?
The solution, you say, well I have had a lot of thought on this and I kept coming back to what a family is. There are so many different types of families ranging from traditional families, step families, adoptive family, and foster families. Yes they are all different, each unique in their own way, but they are all families! So we are not having a baby shower, but a family celebration. A time to just celebrate what a family is, the uniqueness of how a family comes together, the love a family shares. So yes I say party, but it has not been easy and yes I still struggle with my internal thoughts of being unworthy, but tonight ......... I party!
So that brings me back to the question of the day....to party or not to party. When we got that final "yes you are foster parents" I was so excited!!! It was just like seeing that stick you peed on have two lines, or a plus sign!!! We were going to be parents! So to party, well of course I said YES! So why is it still so hard, why is my heart still struggling with this question that seems so easy (for once) to just say yes? I still feel so unworthy of a shower and how do you approach a baby shower when you are not carrying a baby?
The solution, you say, well I have had a lot of thought on this and I kept coming back to what a family is. There are so many different types of families ranging from traditional families, step families, adoptive family, and foster families. Yes they are all different, each unique in their own way, but they are all families! So we are not having a baby shower, but a family celebration. A time to just celebrate what a family is, the uniqueness of how a family comes together, the love a family shares. So yes I say party, but it has not been easy and yes I still struggle with my internal thoughts of being unworthy, but tonight ......... I party!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
God's Perfect Plan
I have claimed, since a child, that I was going to adopt. One year, during our family Christmas vacation, my bother-in-law striked up a conversation with me while we were walking down a street in New Orleans. I remember it like it was yesterday. He had just married my sister and we were talking about having kids. I was 16 at the time, and he asked me how many children I wanted. I told him that I wanted 20 kids and I was going to have them by the time I was 30, I know I know, it is impossible, but I knew what I wanted. He bet me 100 dollars that it would not happen, but don't remind him or I'll have to pay him. Ha!
The story of me and children does not stop there. I would repeatedly tell my mother when I was a child that I was going to adopt. I have had the passion for adoption and fostering from an early age. My sister sent a book my way that changed my life. It was called From Ashes to Africa. In this book, the author talked about a childhood memory of playing basketball, going inside to get a drink, and proclaiming to his mom that he was going to have a black baby. As an adult, him and his wife struggled to have children and indeed up adopting from Africa. He talks about how children some how have a glimpse into their future. I sat and cried like a baby because my childhood comments of having lots of children where on there was to becoming a reality. Something else I would like to share from that book is it talked about knowing if you are following God plan for you and it said "if you can't talk about it without choking up, you know you are doing what you are suppose to be doing. You have found your passion in life." I can not talk about fostering or adoption with out taking a deep breath or a knot in my throat, and often there are many tears. I thank God that my heart breaks for what breaks his and that I have found the strength and heard his calling to foster and adopt.
Now our story continues from here with Matt, see he wants kids but never knew that it would not come from his wife. He has a huge heart and cares deeply for others. God gave him a heart to love others and that same heart will love a child as his own. While I knew that I wanted to foster and adopt through the state, Matt was not sold just yet. God still had some work to do in him. That all changed in January 2010. One morning at church, our pastor had a sermon on taking care of the fatherless, but not only JUST the fatherless, but the fatherless in ARKANSAS!!! We both cried during church that day and the second we walked out those doors, Matt looked at me and said "can we have 2?" Our life has not been the same since. Our calling was revealed to us in a loud way! We could not doubt what was being done and the emotions we were having but that God had huge plans for us.
In May, we began the paperwork....TONS of paperwork! We have been working on our home, moving rooms around, painting, getting our house up to DHS code, and attending our training. We only had one main worry.....our past. We are not so innocent, we both have a past, a past with arrest, drugs, and tickets. we waited, and waited, and waited for our background checks knowing that something is going to come back and stop us on this journey. I trusted in God that he had these plans for us, but on the other hand knew that I was a sinner that made horrible chooses. After 8 months, we got the word.....NOTHING on my record, BUT one thing one Matt's. After a simple essay, we were cleared.
Today was our final walk through with DHS. On my way home to meet them, I thought about my past, Matt's past, and how overwhelming it has been. Then I began to think about how in GOD's eyes we were perfect, no matter what our past looked like. God showed us his mercy knowing that he had made us to do his good work to care for his children. God's love is all over this and his timing is perfect! It just simply amazes me that God looked down through time and choose ME, a sinner with a past not so pretty, to do such an important job. He choose US and gave US mercy! So making a long story short I am so proud to say that as of today, February 15, 2011 we are officially Foster parents!!!!!! PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!!
The story of me and children does not stop there. I would repeatedly tell my mother when I was a child that I was going to adopt. I have had the passion for adoption and fostering from an early age. My sister sent a book my way that changed my life. It was called From Ashes to Africa. In this book, the author talked about a childhood memory of playing basketball, going inside to get a drink, and proclaiming to his mom that he was going to have a black baby. As an adult, him and his wife struggled to have children and indeed up adopting from Africa. He talks about how children some how have a glimpse into their future. I sat and cried like a baby because my childhood comments of having lots of children where on there was to becoming a reality. Something else I would like to share from that book is it talked about knowing if you are following God plan for you and it said "if you can't talk about it without choking up, you know you are doing what you are suppose to be doing. You have found your passion in life." I can not talk about fostering or adoption with out taking a deep breath or a knot in my throat, and often there are many tears. I thank God that my heart breaks for what breaks his and that I have found the strength and heard his calling to foster and adopt.
Now our story continues from here with Matt, see he wants kids but never knew that it would not come from his wife. He has a huge heart and cares deeply for others. God gave him a heart to love others and that same heart will love a child as his own. While I knew that I wanted to foster and adopt through the state, Matt was not sold just yet. God still had some work to do in him. That all changed in January 2010. One morning at church, our pastor had a sermon on taking care of the fatherless, but not only JUST the fatherless, but the fatherless in ARKANSAS!!! We both cried during church that day and the second we walked out those doors, Matt looked at me and said "can we have 2?" Our life has not been the same since. Our calling was revealed to us in a loud way! We could not doubt what was being done and the emotions we were having but that God had huge plans for us.
In May, we began the paperwork....TONS of paperwork! We have been working on our home, moving rooms around, painting, getting our house up to DHS code, and attending our training. We only had one main worry.....our past. We are not so innocent, we both have a past, a past with arrest, drugs, and tickets. we waited, and waited, and waited for our background checks knowing that something is going to come back and stop us on this journey. I trusted in God that he had these plans for us, but on the other hand knew that I was a sinner that made horrible chooses. After 8 months, we got the word.....NOTHING on my record, BUT one thing one Matt's. After a simple essay, we were cleared.
Today was our final walk through with DHS. On my way home to meet them, I thought about my past, Matt's past, and how overwhelming it has been. Then I began to think about how in GOD's eyes we were perfect, no matter what our past looked like. God showed us his mercy knowing that he had made us to do his good work to care for his children. God's love is all over this and his timing is perfect! It just simply amazes me that God looked down through time and choose ME, a sinner with a past not so pretty, to do such an important job. He choose US and gave US mercy! So making a long story short I am so proud to say that as of today, February 15, 2011 we are officially Foster parents!!!!!! PRAISE BE TO GOD!!!!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Show us your Life
Today is Show us your life on Kelly's Blog. I never participate, but this weeks topic hits home. This week is all about adoption, a topic I LOVE. As many of you know, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for 10 years now. The beginning of 2010 we had a calling to persue fostering and adoption through our state. We started our paper work in May of 2010 and we are in the final steps to complete the process to have our house open.
This road is hard. It's sad. But it's OUR road. I have longed for children and just knew that I was meant to be a mom, but when God had different plans, I have had to trust him and give my plans over to him. I have learned to let go, let him lead me, crave his plans for my life. It has not been easy, and yes I have resisted several times, but I try. There are days that my heart hurts so bad! There are days that I can not breath from the pain! There are days that I feel so alone, that no one could ever fell this pain! You know what.....HE KNOWS MY PAIN!!!! I have found peace in that fact whenever I have that deep down, heart hurting pain. He loves me and he has HUGE plans for my life. I don't know how my story plays out, but I know that there will be kids involved!!!
So this is my story, it's incomplete I know, but it's a work in progress! I may not have the adoption story yet, but I will someday! Till then, I will praise the Lord, Love my God, and give HIM all the glory! I pray that none of my friends and family ever go through this or know this pain! I pray for the women in this world that have to walk this road! Above all, I give THANKS to my Lord for my journey.
This road is hard. It's sad. But it's OUR road. I have longed for children and just knew that I was meant to be a mom, but when God had different plans, I have had to trust him and give my plans over to him. I have learned to let go, let him lead me, crave his plans for my life. It has not been easy, and yes I have resisted several times, but I try. There are days that my heart hurts so bad! There are days that I can not breath from the pain! There are days that I feel so alone, that no one could ever fell this pain! You know what.....HE KNOWS MY PAIN!!!! I have found peace in that fact whenever I have that deep down, heart hurting pain. He loves me and he has HUGE plans for my life. I don't know how my story plays out, but I know that there will be kids involved!!!
So this is my story, it's incomplete I know, but it's a work in progress! I may not have the adoption story yet, but I will someday! Till then, I will praise the Lord, Love my God, and give HIM all the glory! I pray that none of my friends and family ever go through this or know this pain! I pray for the women in this world that have to walk this road! Above all, I give THANKS to my Lord for my journey.
Oh, and I have to say that this little guy ROCKS!!! This is my nephew. He was adopted from Ethiopia! Just thought I would give a shout out to this guys on this special SUYL!! Love you buddy!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
The Wait is Over!!!!
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Bell:
Thank you for your support in serving children and families in the state of Arkansas. You are now being invited to participate in the training curriculum that will prepare you to become a foster or adoptive parent.
This, my friends, is the beginning of a very anticipated letter. As of Thursday, November 11th, Matt and I will be starting our 27 hours we need to be one step closer to our dream, our destiny, our family! We will be done completing our hours on Saturday, December 18th, at 4:00 pm. During this time, we will also complete two home studies, one for fostering and the other to adopt. We are excited, we are nervous, we are VERY busy!!!! Getting rooms ready, child proofing home, setting up beds, lock up knives (don't ask), draw a evacuation plan for fire and tornado (again don't ask), put latch on frig (I won't tell you what not to do here), hang 2nd fire alarm, finish decorating kids rooms, and buy necessities to be prepared! I know there's more to do, but this will get me started.
Our journey is starting to cut a path, but we are still in the woods. A lot could happen and this road dead end. There are no guarantees. We are still waiting on our FBI report, and we have to pass both home studies, and who knows what else. But my friends, we are hopeful! We know that God has a plan for us and we are patiently waiting for that plan to play out. I know that some days we have more patience than others, but we pray everyday that he gives us strength to carry us through this.
Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." We live on hope, we have for 9 years 9 months. Ever since we started trying to conceive, we live on HOPE and know that one day our FUTURE will be just as he, our all mighty GOD, had planed for us. Know this, we have not always listened to what he wanted, this has taken time. Obviously I want my own children, that's my plan, but now I want his plan, whatever that my be or look like. I have a child out there for me, in fact I believe with all my heart that I have several children out there for me, but not from me. GOD's plan is much bigger than I could have ever dreamt! I can't wait to see what else he has planned for me and my family :)
Psalms 22:1-3 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want: he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters: he RESTORES MY SOUL. He leads me in paths of righteousness for HIS name's sake." As heart broken as I have been, he will restore my soul and I will walk this path for his name and glory!!!! And everyone said....
Thank you for your support in serving children and families in the state of Arkansas. You are now being invited to participate in the training curriculum that will prepare you to become a foster or adoptive parent.
This, my friends, is the beginning of a very anticipated letter. As of Thursday, November 11th, Matt and I will be starting our 27 hours we need to be one step closer to our dream, our destiny, our family! We will be done completing our hours on Saturday, December 18th, at 4:00 pm. During this time, we will also complete two home studies, one for fostering and the other to adopt. We are excited, we are nervous, we are VERY busy!!!! Getting rooms ready, child proofing home, setting up beds, lock up knives (don't ask), draw a evacuation plan for fire and tornado (again don't ask), put latch on frig (I won't tell you what not to do here), hang 2nd fire alarm, finish decorating kids rooms, and buy necessities to be prepared! I know there's more to do, but this will get me started.
Our journey is starting to cut a path, but we are still in the woods. A lot could happen and this road dead end. There are no guarantees. We are still waiting on our FBI report, and we have to pass both home studies, and who knows what else. But my friends, we are hopeful! We know that God has a plan for us and we are patiently waiting for that plan to play out. I know that some days we have more patience than others, but we pray everyday that he gives us strength to carry us through this.
Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE." We live on hope, we have for 9 years 9 months. Ever since we started trying to conceive, we live on HOPE and know that one day our FUTURE will be just as he, our all mighty GOD, had planed for us. Know this, we have not always listened to what he wanted, this has taken time. Obviously I want my own children, that's my plan, but now I want his plan, whatever that my be or look like. I have a child out there for me, in fact I believe with all my heart that I have several children out there for me, but not from me. GOD's plan is much bigger than I could have ever dreamt! I can't wait to see what else he has planned for me and my family :)
Psalms 22:1-3 "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want: he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters: he RESTORES MY SOUL. He leads me in paths of righteousness for HIS name's sake." As heart broken as I have been, he will restore my soul and I will walk this path for his name and glory!!!! And everyone said....
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
The Meaning of Wait
It seems that the word WAIT is haunting me. After my last post, I have found peace with my friends passing, but the word wait continues on in my life. Today I looked up the word wait and these were my favorite:
So when I looked up wait, these stood out, and put them all together, is the story of our waiting:
- to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens
- to be available or in readiness
- to remain neglected for a time
- to look forward to eagerly
- a period or interval of waiting
So when I looked up wait, these stood out, and put them all together, is the story of our waiting:
- Our waiting comes in intervals, with us being neglected at times, but eagerly look forward, always available and ready, until something expected happens.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I'm Waiting
A loss of a friend is many things...hard, sad, rough, unexpected, tragedy, unfair, or any other depressing word you can think of. They say "time will heal the pain" or "it will get easier", well
I'm waiting.
For some reason, it has gotten harder.
I'm waiting.
It has been exactly one month to the day that my friend, Sasha, passed away. The pain...still here.
Today her sister said something that has hit home for me. She said "today I can say I haven't seen her in one month. It makes me sad that one day I will say I haven't seen her in 10 years."
Her sister is waiting.
I will go to bed tonight and pray to God that this sadness will soon be lifted. I will tell him that....
I'm waiting.
I'm waiting.
For some reason, it has gotten harder.
I'm waiting.
It has been exactly one month to the day that my friend, Sasha, passed away. The pain...still here.
I'm waiting.
Today her sister said something that has hit home for me. She said "today I can say I haven't seen her in one month. It makes me sad that one day I will say I haven't seen her in 10 years."
Her sister is waiting.
I will go to bed tonight and pray to God that this sadness will soon be lifted. I will tell him that....
I'm waiting.
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